Keeping boundaries in check
A couple of months ago, I had a fall out with a good friend of mine. I was very clueless about what had transpired between us. We never had any disagreements leading up our fallout. There was no substantial evidence to prove that I had hurt her in any way either. Recently, I shared this with a mutual friend of ours, and her response took me by surprise. She simply stated that I had allowed it. The more I dwelt on her response, I came to realize that I was partly at fault. I had allowed her to take me and my time for granted by not setting clear boundaries.
According to Dr. Henry Cloud, a self-help author, he explains that a boundary is a line of respect. You can use verbal or nonverbal cues to communicate with the other party on how you want to be treated. For example, some acquaintances of mine have the habit of spamming me with irrelevant messages. I used to feel the pressure of replying to these messages promptly. When I fail to reply, they get anxious and asked me if something happened. I could have avoided this by creating a boundary early on in the relationship. It would have taken the added pressure of me if I had shared with them that I might not reply on time due to other commitments.
Boundaries will help to ease unnecessary expectations on either party in a relationship. Boundaries are not only meant for intimate relationships, but it is also important for any form of relationship. It helps us to build healthy relationships without causing any friction. When you set healthy, clear boundaries, you are sending a signal to the people around you that they are not allowed to do anything they please or deem fit. Clear your mind and think about why you are setting boundaries before communicating it with the people around you. It makes it much easier for you to explain the rationale about why you will like to have certain boundaries enforced when you had run through it in your mind. Very often, you will see people respecting you for this, and they will learn to take you more seriously.
Unfortunately, upholding a boundary is a two-way street, it only works when both parties embrace it. What if the other party beaks it? You must also be prepared to stand your ground. You have to be able to back it up and do whatever it takes to ensure that the boundary is in place. If not, it will not serve any good in your relationship. Also take time to evaluate the person you are approaching about the boundary, the level of your relationship with them, and their personality. This helps you to be clear with your boundaries leaving little room for ambiguity. Depending on your comfort level, and the level of relationship, you can tell the person face to face or via text. One of the perks of communicating via text is you are very certain on how or what to say.
If you have been successful in establishing the boundary, you have now come to the hardest part. You won't know how the other person will react. These people have been used to having their way and having some kind of leverage on you and they will put up some point of resistance. There will be tension around whatever it is you want to change. It is hard work to keep maintaining the boundary but keep at it until you see a change in your relationship.
