Rising from the ashes

I have encountered many women who have gone through traumatic experiences in their lives. They have gone through rape, sexual or physical abuse, emotional abuse, rejection, divorce, abandonment which left them scarred for life. The act itself is painful, but the healing can be equally traumatic. Many women chose to ignore what had been done to them. They believe the lie that they can live normal lifes as long as the trauma does not cause them any hindrance.

Sometimes when the baggage is unseen, it does not mean it is non-existent. It has not resurfaced yet. When you least expect it, a trigger can set it off and bring it to the surface. That is when we are caught offguard. I felt that way too. I always assumed that I have no excess baggae until it started to catch up with me early last year.

I felt that through my traumatic experiences, I had learned to numb my feelings. I had told myself that I will not cry under any circumstances and be strong. I feel fear and shame kept in me in the root of the vicious cycle. When I felt ready to go through my healing journey, I took the first step to acknowledge that something had been taken away from me. I gave myself the opportunity to grieve over it, and talk about to the people I trust. I was so blessed that I had two dear sisters, who I was able to be vulnerable with.

The moment I started addressing this, I felt fear and shame had no hold over me. When we keep something hidden in the dark, we are giving it power to have dominion over life. But when we allow truth and light to shine on the dark areas, we are able to take back that control. I remembered the first time, I cried openly. It felt good and it was really liberating.

I was not prepared for the next stage of my healing journey, which was the acceptance and integration process. I realized that I had not forgiven myself for the act done to me. Forgiveness is a powerful weapon. It is not always easy to forgive the people that hurt you. But it is much needed to free your soul. In the process of acceptance, I learned to forgive myself first and then released forgiveness to those who hurt me.

As the integration process started to work in me, I began to feel a myriad of different emotions. There was so much of rage in me, and I had the feeling of being pulled and stretched. I also experienced feelings of rejection, unworthiness, and also self-saboted relationships that were trying to help me heal. The battle is fought the strongest when you are close to your breakthrough. That is why it is not just a breakthrough, it is me breaking through the hurdles that has kept me bound. But I persevered and kept moving forward.

I am now at a stage of breaking down the walls that have held me back for a long time. My healing is not complete, but I am at a stage where I am slowly integrating my life. It is like the puzzles are slowly being put together. I am becoming a whole person, and I am being restored to my former glory.